Are Parents Teaching Their Kids Consent Doesn't Matter?

I was given a link to a video earlier today that I found quite interesting, and thought you all might find it interesting as well.

http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/09/ways-parents-teach-consent-doesnt-matter/

Here is the link to the video and transcript!

For those who don't want to watch the clip or read the article here is a summary:

Paige Lucas-Stannard writes about four ways parents may sometimes be, unintentionally teaching their children that consent doesn't matter.  

The first is that when parents are tickling children or engage in rough and tumble play with them, kids often shout "stop" or "no" and the parent continues.  Paige makes the claim that it is very important to stop immediately in these instances.  If the child wants you to continue tickling they will ask you to. This teaches the child that "no" means "no".

The second is the contradiction of feelings.  A child may complain of being cold or hungry, and a parent may respond with "you're not cold, its hot in here", or "you're not hungry, you just ate". While to the parent it might make sense to say something like "you're not hungry, you just ate" if the kid just ate, however Paige writes that it may teach children not to trust their own instincts.  The same instincts that parents may be asking them to trust several years later if they find themselves in an uncomfortable situation.  

A third issue that Paige talks about, is parents forcing children to give hugs or kisses.  For example, Uncle Joe comes over to the house and you (the parent) tell your child to give him a hug and kiss to show your respect and love for him.  If your child refuses it may lead people to believe that your parenting has resulted in a child who is rude and doesn't show proper respect of their elders.  So many times parents end up forcing their child to give Uncle Joe a hug or kiss.  However, Paige argues that this is a huge problem.  She gives the example of the same child several years later being in an uncomfortable sexual situation that they don't want to continue.  However, they don't say anything for fear that it might be seen as rude.  

The fourth that parents may sometimes teach children that consent doesn't matter is in how they are taught to respect elders.  Paige talks about how parents may teach their kids to not interrupt them if they are busy talking with another adult because it is disrespectful to elders.  However, Paige claims that this is also teaching the kids that because someone is older and bigger they are more important that what the they want.  This can lead to problems in relationships later in life, if the belief that being older and bigger makes you the more important.  

I was definitely able to relate to a lot of these parenting techniques, especially the first one.  However, I cannot say how much they have influenced me.  Paige makes some interesting claims, however she doesn't back any of them up by research.  So I am curious as to what the findings of a study looking at a correlation between these parenting paradigms and sexual assault would find.  Do you think that these methods of parenting may be unconsciously teaching children that consent doesn't matter?  If so how important of a factor is it in the increasing number of reported sexual assaults?

-Oliver O.

We Can Do It!

...and we can do it. 
And if we are so inclined to do it, than why not make it satisfactory?

Sexual assertiveness (SA) describes the degree to which one feels capable of expressing one's sexual needs and desires to a sexual partner and is predictive of higher sexual satisfaction and body comfort (Fletcher, personal communications). Current research has shown that as a women's sexual assertiveness increases the relational satisfaction for both partners also increases (Green & Faulkner, 2005). In a further examination of female sexual assertiveness, researchers have examined how feminist identification could affect females' expectations of her partner and her sexual experience. Yoder, Perry and Saal (2007) found that a strong commitment to feminist identity predicted female expectancies of egalitarian partnerships and higher self-reports of sexual assertiveness. In contrast, women who had a non-feminist identification self-reported lower levels of sexual assertiveness and an increased vulnerability to risky sexual behaviors.

Although these findings may not seem surprising--empowered women feel sexually empowered--not every women self-identifies as a feminist nor feels empowered. If feminist identity is significantly, positively correlated to increased sexual assertiveness, and sexual assertiveness is predictive of higher sexual satisfaction and body comfort, then let me say what we're all thinking...

"let's all be feminists!" 

However the task is not that easy. In a society where woman are constantly exposed to the "ideal" female and unrealistic expectations about sex and sexuality through the media, being a feminist can seem intimidating, especially when there's the social stigma of being an "angry man-hater". In order to promote female empowerment, the discourse surrounding female sexuality behaviors needs to be empowering towards young girls. So you may be asking yourself, how can we promote healthy sexual communications for women to make women feel more agentive in their sexuality behaviors?
How can the discourse surrounding female sexuality behaviors help women to communicate what they want and need from sexual partnerships? What resources (peers, institutional, familial) resources need to be made to females (and when) to encourage agentive behaviors? What role can men play in encouraging female sexual assertiveness?

In a quest for sexual satisfaction and communication and feeling comfortable in our own skin and between the sheets, we need to think about ways that the discourse surrounding female sexuality behaviors can foster female empowerment. Maybe the answer is the fourth wave of feminism, and in making a splash, perhaps the ladies will be excited about getting wet (pun, totally intended).


-Rachel P.




References

Fletcher, K. (2014, April). Sexual Assertiveness. Lecture conducted for Kalamazoo College: Psychology of Sexuality.

Greene, K., & Faulkner, S. L. (2005). Gender, belief in the sexual double standard talk in heterosexual relationships. Sex Roles, 53, 239-251.

Yoder, J. D., Perry, R. L. & Saal, E. I. (2007) What Good is a Feminist Identity?: Women’s Feminist
Identification and Role Expectations for Intimate and Sexual Relationships. Sex Roles, 57, 365-372.

Sex-Ed for Kindergarteners?

An interesting topic lately is sex education in schools. Is it necessary? Should it the school’s responsibility? Are schools programs effective in engaging and getting through to teens? According to the National Conference of State Legislature all states are somehow involved in sex education whether it is instruction about HIV/AIDS, basic sex education, or both. If you’re wondering why sexual education is taught in schools you’re not alone. Many believe that if sexual education is not taught in schools many children will never learn in a healthy environment what safe sex is, about their bodies and others, or have someone to talk to about uncomfortable situations such as those that arise when talking about sexual activities. A survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention indicates that more than 47 percent of all high school students have had sex and only 60% of the students that had had sex in the three moths prior to the survey reported use of a condom and even lower number of 23% reported use of birth control. The goal of sexual education is that if teens are going to engage in sexual activity they know and understand the possible consequences and how to engage in safe sexual activity that limits the possibilities of STIs and STDs, pregnancy, and other dangerous repercussions. This website gives reasons for sexual education to be taught in school, and a breakdown of state sex education legislation status from the National conference of State Legislatures: http://www.ncsl.org/research/health/state-policies-on-sex-education-in-schools.aspx#2.

In November of 2011 the Real Education for Healthy Youth Act was introduced which aimed to provide young people with the comprehensive sexuality education they need to make informed, responsible, and healthy decisions in order to become sexually healthy adults and have healthy relationships. This act raises the issue of accurate and healthy sexual education but also healthy relationships, which are an essential part of growing up and developing into sexually healthy adults. Supported by the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States the Real Education for Healthy Youth Act seeks to give adolescents and young adults the information they need to become informed, sexually healthy adults. More information can be found at: http://www.siecus.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=page.viewPage&pageID=1347&nodeID=1

A lot of information given to children and young adults about sex education is just scary statistics. But when is it appropriate start teaching sex education? According to the Chicago Board of Education, kindergarten. These young children will be taught the basics about human anatomy, reproduction, healthy relationships and personal safety. This new policy mandates that a certain amount of time be spent on sexual education in each grade starting in kindergarten. Through third grade students will focus on the family, feelings and appropriate and inappropriate touching. From then on, students will start learning about puberty, HIV, reproduction, the transmission and prevention of HIV/AIDS, and other sexually transmitted diseases, bullying and contraception, including abstinence (Mohney 2013). A large change in the sex education instruction is that it will now cover sexual orientation and gender identity in order to promote awareness and tolerance, while preventing bullying. More information can be found at: http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/health/2013/02/28/chicago-passes-sex-ed-for-kindergartners/

Questions to consider:

·      Is sex education the schools responsibility?

·      Do you think the sex education that you received was effective?

·      Should kindergarteners be taught sex education?

·      Should the Real Education for Healthy Youth Act be passed, why or why not?

·      What would happen if sex education were taken out of schools?

- Olivia Weaver

Let's Talk about Sex

Welcome to Birds and the Bees an interactive blog dedicated to talking about sex education and the resources available to us in our community and through our community members. As Salt-N-Pepper say, "don't decoy, avoid or make void the topic", "everybody has sex let's talk about it"

Hoping to develop a helpful, educational, and provocative conversation surrounding sex education and learning how to talk "the talk".