I was given a link to a video earlier today that I found quite interesting, and thought you all might find it interesting as well.
http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/09/ways-parents-teach-consent-doesnt-matter/
Here is the link to the video and transcript!
For those who don't want to watch the clip or read the article here is a summary:
Paige Lucas-Stannard writes about four ways parents may sometimes be, unintentionally teaching their children that consent doesn't matter.
The first is that when parents are tickling children or engage in rough and tumble play with them, kids often shout "stop" or "no" and the parent continues. Paige makes the claim that it is very important to stop immediately in these instances. If the child wants you to continue tickling they will ask you to. This teaches the child that "no" means "no".
The second is the contradiction of feelings. A child may complain of being cold or hungry, and a parent may respond with "you're not cold, its hot in here", or "you're not hungry, you just ate". While to the parent it might make sense to say something like "you're not hungry, you just ate" if the kid just ate, however Paige writes that it may teach children not to trust their own instincts. The same instincts that parents may be asking them to trust several years later if they find themselves in an uncomfortable situation.
A third issue that Paige talks about, is parents forcing children to give hugs or kisses. For example, Uncle Joe comes over to the house and you (the parent) tell your child to give him a hug and kiss to show your respect and love for him. If your child refuses it may lead people to believe that your parenting has resulted in a child who is rude and doesn't show proper respect of their elders. So many times parents end up forcing their child to give Uncle Joe a hug or kiss. However, Paige argues that this is a huge problem. She gives the example of the same child several years later being in an uncomfortable sexual situation that they don't want to continue. However, they don't say anything for fear that it might be seen as rude.
The fourth that parents may sometimes teach children that consent doesn't matter is in how they are taught to respect elders. Paige talks about how parents may teach their kids to not interrupt them if they are busy talking with another adult because it is disrespectful to elders. However, Paige claims that this is also teaching the kids that because someone is older and bigger they are more important that what the they want. This can lead to problems in relationships later in life, if the belief that being older and bigger makes you the more important.
I was definitely able to relate to a lot of these parenting techniques, especially the first one. However, I cannot say how much they have influenced me. Paige makes some interesting claims, however she doesn't back any of them up by research. So I am curious as to what the findings of a study looking at a correlation between these parenting paradigms and sexual assault would find. Do you think that these methods of parenting may be unconsciously teaching children that consent doesn't matter? If so how important of a factor is it in the increasing number of reported sexual assaults?
-Oliver O.
One of the things that really strikes me is the last question that you asked: "how important of a factor is it in the increasing number of reported sexual assaults?" What I took away from this video is that when individuals don't have a good understanding of the idea of consent, what becomes even more important is the number of assaults that go unreported. Many times, when asked outright if they have ever been sexually assaulted, victims of assault will say no. But when asked if they had engaged in unwanted sexual contact, the answer can be quite different.
ReplyDeleteIt's important for children to grow up learning that their consent needs to be respected by others, and I think this video does a great job of explaining subtle ways of doing that.
This reminds me of when little girls are bullied by boys in school and their teachers or parents will tell them it's because the boy has a crush on her though really, he could just be a mean creep. It's very problematic when authority figures trivialize a child's instincts or sense of discomfort and scoot the issue into "kid problems" which are viewed as temporary, transitional (think teenage phases) and therefore less important.
ReplyDeleteTickling a kid even after the kid has said "no" or "stop" is tricky. There is something real disturbing about not only the thought of a kid being touched/tickled when they didn't want to but also that they are involuntarily laughing the whole time (at their own expense?). Before whenever I'm played rough with my 3 year old nephew and he said to stop I immediately let go because, come on, that's verbal non-consent. But the thing is, every time I would stop tickling him his face would get all confused like I didn't understand the rules because he did want to keep playing. So on the other hand, the script in which kids play makes torture and destruction seem fun and pleasurable so sometimes its hard to distinguish between mock terror and actual terror. But it's safer just to assume every no is a "No, stop" not a "No, don't stop." I don't think adults should always assume that they know the kid better than the kid knows themselves and by doing so delegitimizing the kid's thoughts and feelings.
I agree that some parents dismiss their child's discomfort all too readily. I think it's important to let children know that you respect them, even in the most innocent of circumstances. Doing so can help the child trust their own instincts and expect respect from others later in life. Not being heard or respected because of your age is no fun, whether you are a 6 year-old, a teenager, or a senior citizen. Although tickling can be a fun way to play, I can see where Paige is coming from.
ReplyDeleteAfter watching this video I think that this mother makes some excellent points. Children are constantly being touched and forced to touch other people without really wanting to. In terms of statistics I'm not sure what statistics could have been provided. I don't think that you could really go around asking people who have been raped "by the way did any one ever tickle you against your will as a child" I just don't think that is realistic although I would also be interested in finding out what effects they really have. In terms of how important these specific things are to the increasing rate of sexual assaults I feel that her point wasn't so much that these things are directly causing rape or children who are unable to respond appropriatly when being touched in an inappropriate way, I think her point is more that these are a few examples of ways that we are making consent unimportant in the mind of a child.
ReplyDelete